I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
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