FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
