remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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