Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
