I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
