genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
