so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
