Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize