last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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