youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize