My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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