More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
