just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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