I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can you bring me the toilet please
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
BRING THE BAGELS
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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