I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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