ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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