was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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