you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
