she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
