I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize