I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
