btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
