Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
