I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I touched a dick in church today
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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