I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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