So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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