can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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