Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
