I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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