i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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