I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
