we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
