I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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