you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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