you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
