no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
