Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
