i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
