when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Holy sore nipples Batman
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
