There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
