I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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