quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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