I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
