saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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