Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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