omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
