you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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