wrigley field is MILF paradise
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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