Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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