u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize