i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
