Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
