You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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