TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
