So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Randomize
