if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
