I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
