my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize