theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
