I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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