goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
