yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
