What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
