dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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